sorry, I am all over the map in this entry
2005-05-01, 1:23 a.m.

"Nothing drives them mad like complete indifference."

Ha, ha. Inyahsa is funny, the monk Moroku (sp?) asked another character how he did so well with the ladies and that is what he said. Complete indifference. I think that may be true. If a guy eyes me once then doesn't pay attention to me when I try to eye flirt back it does drive me crazy. I do whatever I can to get that eye contact again. Really just so I can look away and then be the indifferent one. But still, the chase really is what hooks us isn't it? Maybe that is why I love Joe so much, we chased each other for a year, and he was by far much better at being indifferent than me.

Sometimes I wonder why the chase is so enthralling. Once I picked up a cute Walgreen's photo lab boy by taking a I zone Polaroid of myself and writing my number on it and leaving it on the counter after he rung me up. We had sort of been flirting for a few weeks maybe a month, so I just took the chance. He called me on his break that day. We talked on the phone all night one night. But pretty much after he said he had had sex one time and then the girl broke up with him, but he wanted me to usher him in in the ways of lovemaking, I was so out. The chase was wonderful, I felt like a million dollars when he called, he was a nice guy, but I just didn't want to go there. A few months ago I got stuck inside the tigermart near my house because they had to wait for change to drop for a person with a big bill. We sat and waited for about ten minutes and the whole time my Walgreen's boy was standing about 15 feet away from me. I don't know if he recognized me (plus I looked like total crap, I was literally in pj's, and he looked pretty good in a nice black button-down and black pants) but while I was getting a coke I recognized him, I just tried to keep my head down. But at the time I was pretty chummy with the store attendant so he tried to keep me chatting for the ten minutes (we were next in line after the change needing person) and I just wanted to not talk keep my head down. I was so embarrassed, I felt bad because he was a nice guy, and I judged him on pretty stupid things. I still feel guilt from that. Though I did get together with Joe within two weeks so I am glad that I passed there and got mine.

Tonight while I was out on a cigarette break (I made $53, not to bad) a guy passing by was like "What's up?" I waved my hand a little and he asked me "What's your name?" I said "Siobhan." Then he asked "How old are you?" I said "Twenty." He said something I couldn't understand than "So can I get your number?" I said "No sorry. I have a boyfriend, it will be two years in a month." Then he said "Oh, congratulations. Have a good night." It was kind of funny. I am very uncomfortable being hit on though. I can't really get over the "I am fat and shouldn't be hit on" mindset. So I just don't know how to react. Sometimes when it's not skeezy I just feel complimented. Like this UBER, I mean UBER hot man that used to come into server job told me I had "a perfect figure". Now of course I do not really believe it because "perfect" is so unreasonable, but I was truly flattered. The best compliment I received tonight was from a perfectly blonde pixie of a girl. She was probably three or four and she told me "I like your pony tail." It was adorable. Then I complimented her face paint, a unicorn, and she told me she got it at Eyore's Birthday Party (which I didn't get to go to because I took over a co-workers shift and it is supposed to be on SUNDAY! I mean this is the first time I can remember it not being on a Sunday, if it were tomorrow I could go to dammit!). I told her I was jealous because of not going but that I used to go every year when I was her age. Then her little brother said that I must be from Austin, I answered of course because who wouldn't want to be? Then the girl got all excited and sort of hopped in her seat and said "You were in Austin today!" I laughed and said that I am all days. As I let them out the doors (it was after we closed/locked the doors) their father said "Have a nice life." It was... eerie, but soothing. I think I needed someone to tell me that. I will have a nice life. I am sure it's just because they were from out of town (why the girl said I was in Austin "today") and he was being nice, but... it was nice I guess. I can't really explain why it meant anything to me.

The T.V. made me cry once (and it will happen again in a few hours) tonight while I was watching Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex (WARNING: some will consider the next paragraph a from of "spoiler" so if you don't want to know anything don't read). I had to watch two of the adorable, loveable Tachikomas sacrifice themselves to save Batou, one of looked up and saw him before the death and cried a yellowish machine oil tear. It was so, so sad! These machines develop over the series into independent sentient beings, the artificial intelligence multiplies so rapidly that these machines learn how to love and lie and what living is and are interested in "death". At one point one of their cyber brains gets removed, the Tachikoma said they enjoyed it happening because they could feel their self dying.

I am moved in a way, of course I like every other person take living for granted, I mean truly living, these moments that I catalogue and consider, I know somewhere in my head that each of these moments is a miracle. Each smile, each kiss, each laugh and tear, they are all very precious moments that I will not truly experience as living until I am about to die. I won't understand how important they are for me until I am no longer able to recall them. I do believe this, to an extent I get to experience them all, but the world works in extremes. To truly love you must know hate, to be deliriously happy, you need to have been seriously depressed. To really experience highs, you need to experience lows. How can you really know what one is without the other. I guess yin and yang is the most simple straightforward example. Half light and half dark but each must have a piece of the other for balance. I want to live life to the fullest, but it won't truly happen until I die? I am strange sometimes as I say what I really think. I think I might sound depressed, but thinking like this actually makes me happy, makes me remember to cherish all of my moments as much as I can, grabbing a hold of life and taking in as much as I can, reflecting as much as I can, so one day when I am about to die, I will get to experience my whole life in my memory and it will be picture perfect. All in soft focus making each moment as beautiful and shimmering as it could possibly be, I will be able to hear all my laughs, and drink in all my tears. The moments will make me into a complete being. I do believe in reincarnation (I have memories that I should not, but other versions of me must have experienced) so I know that a few things will pass on. I think souls go through a journey, each incarnation follows it's own path on that journey and the work of them all will lead them to the prize, whatever that may be. I know I don't believe in "god", but I do know that we all release energy and electricity. We all have a wavelength and I think the specific personal ones are the soul the "id" whatever it is that makes us "us", but when you put together all this energy we create something huge. Maybe every person together is the energy that is "god", but I do not think that there is ONE all powerful, all knowing god. There is no one person better than the other once you take us all down to a equivalent level. Obviously free will allows people to kill each other and torture each other thus giving us a scale which we can compare on terms of "better" or "worse", but we all breathe the same air, eat food, and need shelter. On that level we are all equal and no one person is truly more important or better than another. So we are either all god/gods or there is no god. Either way this way I think pisses off a lot of people. I do think the idea of "god" is necessary, but cultural also. It seems to be more of a device to explain all the things that couldn't be explained and help people find ways to live their lives. But we can put just about anything into math now a days (my friend has found god in numbers, numbers that confuse me, but he will try to explain when he has it all written down) and we can explain the "unexplainable". I am sorry for anyone who doesn't like what I have to say, but I was raised catholic, and that can do a helluva number on a person.

I think I have written by far WAY to much. Some of this is very nice for me to hear myself. But sorry because I know religion conversations have been played out by the world and how is my opinion any different from all the other annoying peoples opinions. Oh and please, oh so please, nobody write and tell me that I am wrong and I need to learn and love god as god, you do not know how many different kinds of churches I have been to, I have studied all major religions and most non-major ones, I went to church camp even. I just do not believe, I put my faith in other things, I have spent about 14 years contemplating these ideas and coming to these conclusions. At least I don't go into the six year old Siobhan who woke up crying and confused thinking she was just a dream. We can go past that to six year old Siobhan who thought she heard god whisper in her ear. Then 13 year old Siobhan who woke from a dream unable to move whatsoever. Numbly beating body parts against the wall trying to wake herself up because her best friend turned into god in her dream. I can make him up in my mind but I have never been "touched" by god, because for me there is no god. That is it. This is twenty year old Siobhan, and I am so glad to say that somehow I have had a wonderful day and feel good.

To everyone, I hope you all have really nice lives, and that some of you continue to write about them like I do mine, because that also makes me happy.

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